What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 20:34
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I will be 64.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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She found it foreign!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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Im still living with it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Ive learnt so much.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why do I feel so tired all the time even after a good night’s sleep?
I was seconnd youngest,
It was going to be , some day.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
What if the girl says that drama about you dating here? Is that a bad sign?
So, i spoilt her more .
She married twice! .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Do you have pics of the wife making out with another guy?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But ive been too sick for many years..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I waited trembling.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One cannot live in the past .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
This is soul school!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was very sick at this time too.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Put me off passion for life!!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
All the time i was locked up.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I have no regrets .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
What did i know ?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Would this be the day?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
When she asked me how she looked .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And i lived it daily.
I was 9 years of age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We were not on the streets..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Comes on , in middle age.
He knew the spot.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My family never makes their pension either.
I write beautiful poetry .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I don,t even have a pension.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I never cut or harmed myself..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But, we were locked up after school.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As i do to all so called friends.?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She was in good health!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I think the readers, may guess!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We all went to grammer schools
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She wouldn,t have been !
My life is so biszare .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She loved him until the end.
Who then, do I blame.?
I said to her
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it wasn’t much.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Was to survive, this bastard.
So whats the point in blame.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was scared of men, in general